Something that I want…

I don’t normally share about sad or SUPER personal things, but today I just felt the need to let this out there.

For the past 2 1/2 years, Travis and I have wanted something very badly.
We never thought that it would take this long in order to get what we want.
We have prayed about it, cried about it, and yet we still yearn for it.

That something is this:

We have been unable to get pregnant, not even once, and it is killing me.
I am trying to stay strong, act like it’s all ok, go to the doctor again and again, trying not to get my hopes up that something will finally happen but as the hours, days, weeks, months, and now years go by, I am struggling to stay strong.

I feel like EVERY person I know, IRL and blogging world, is pregnant, some more than once during this time period, and I just want to scream, ok, I have screamed a few times, and I am so tired of putting on the fake smile, acting like I am excited for them, and telling them Congrats.
I know I should be happy for them. I know I am jealous of them. And right now, I feel like I have the right to be upset.
I have cried, hysterical boo-hoo’s at that, multiple times, when I find out someone is pregnant or the visitor comes that I don’t want to see. I just want to crawl into bed and pull the covers over my head and not come out. But again, trying to stay strong, I go on.

We’ve been to the doctor, both of us, I’ve done the whole Clomid thing and nothing. We were just getting ready to go to the next step and find out if we needed to do IUI (artificial insemination) when stuff with the doctor got ALL MESSED UP (trust me, that was NOT a good day) so that has now been postponed until after we move. Now, we have to find a new doctor when we get to VA and I hope that we can quickly jump into everything and find a way to have the baby that we want so bad.

I have prayed about this and well, had some interesting conversations with Him, some not so nice depending on the time of month. I have even had the thoughts of “I’ll even take a miscarriage.” Now, I know those of you out there that have had one probably think I’m nuts and I in no way want one or wish that anyone would have to go through one, but I say that for the fact that I would at least know it is possible for me to get pregnant.

I have always said, that I would adopt at some point but I always thought I would do it after I had my own kids. But maybe we are suppose to do that first. I just really want to experience everything that goes along with a pregnancy, the good and the bad.
I watch the news and hear all these stories about people abusing, selling, and killing their kids and it makes me angry and I always think to myself, “Why did You give these people a child when they clearly didn’t want them and we want one so badly and yet can’t have one?”

I know people try to help by giving advice or words of wisdom but at this time in the process the next person that tells me “You have time or All in God’s time.” or “It will happen.” or “Have you tried this?” will get punched in the face.
Seriously, do you really think we haven’t tried all the possible ways we’ve read to get pregnant besides the drastic medical ways?
How in the world do you REALLY know it will happen? That’s right… you don’t! It may never happen.
And sure, we’re only 27, plenty of time but when you factor in that Travis is an active duty Army officer, No, we don’t have all the time in the world.
The past 2 1/2 years would have been awesome for a little one to come into the world. Travis came home from deployment so we knew we had at least a year before he would be put back on the list. And we’ve been lucky enough for 2 1/2 years, minus Haiti, of him being home. I know there is a HUGE chance that after his Captain’s Course, he will get a unit that will be deploying. And I’m sorry if I want him to watch his baby grow up that first year since they change so much and I want to see him be the awesome dad I know he will be. So much can happen being a military family, so again, no- we don’t have time and I am surely losing my patience.
I know everyone just means well but I really don’t want to hear any of it anymore.

Ok… I’ve cried enough while typing this and I am pretty sure you all are tired about reading my random ramblings, so I will stop there.
I know I am not the first person that has had trouble trying to conceive so I am not looking for sympathy or anything of the like but I just needed to get all this off my chest (maybe because I know Aunt Flo is coming to visit soon) for my own sanity.

But I will ask this: Will you please say a little prayer for us?
We can use all the help that we can get.

I promise to be more upbeat the rest of the week!

You Might Also Like

  • Anonymous
    April 18, 2011 at 12:22 pm

    Can't imagine how hard it is, and I will definitely say a prayer for you and your husband!

  • Judy Miller
    April 18, 2011 at 12:28 pm

    Please know you are in my prayers.

  • ⚜ ↁℯℬℬᴵℰ⚜
    April 18, 2011 at 12:29 pm

    Girl you had me in tears….I am glad you put it out there, you know because I do believe putting something out to the universe, just may stick! I won't say try this or that..OK maybe I will, just one thing, that was told to me, and we tried it, not sure if that was the reason I got pregnant after trying for a year, but I did. Robitussin, I took it daily, twice a day:) Big hug to you!!~ XO

  • Christina
    April 18, 2011 at 12:37 pm

    Allison – I haven't dealt with this, so I don't know all of the right words to say. I also know that words don't mean as much as we would like them to. I have just gone through this with 2 girls from work (one has been trying for 4 years…one for 5 years) and they are both pregnant now, and due within 1 day of eachother!

    I will definitely be praying for you, that God will give you such a peace about this, and that you will trust in His perfect timing everyday.

  • Anonymous
    April 18, 2011 at 12:38 pm

    I just want to give you a BIG HUG. DH and I are trying too and I understand how scared, frustrated, and disappointed you must feel. I hope your BFP and baby come soon for you. It HAS to be your turn, right? That's what I keep telling myself.

  • Jennifer
    April 18, 2011 at 12:39 pm

    I will say many prayers for you. 🙂 I have a friend who is also trying to get pregnant and has blogged about it. I'm going to send her your blog. Maybe the two of you could talk. Anyway, prayers for you and I hope you will get what you want.
    Scissors and Spatulas

  • Natalie
    April 18, 2011 at 12:40 pm

    Lots of prayers and positive thoughts going up for you!

  • Anonymous
    April 18, 2011 at 12:41 pm

    You have every right to be upset… praying for you and your husband

  • Sharon @ Elizabeth & Co.
    April 18, 2011 at 12:42 pm

    Sending prayers and caring thoughts your way Allison for a dream come true!

  • Sarah
    April 18, 2011 at 12:43 pm

    Dearest Allison,
    As someone who has just spent two years in the infertility trenches, my heart goes out to you. It is easily the most difficult thing I have ever gone through and to make matters worse it is a very isolating experience. Once you have made the move to your new home find an agressive doctor. Bedside manner is completely unimportant in this case. And ignore what people say. They do not mean to be assholes, but they certainly say assholish things (over and over and over).

    Next week is nat'l infertility awareness week, you might find some comfort at RESOLVE.

    My best wishes to you on this journey.

  • Dianne
    April 18, 2011 at 12:49 pm

    My heart goes out to you…We were told that we would never be able to have babies…and I remember that hurt of just seeing a stroller pass you in the mall. I also remember how hard this pain can be on a marriage..stay strong..God has a may not understand it but find comfort in that fact that there is a plan. I went on to give birth to 3 babies…without medical help..and then adopted our last…I can tell you that adopting is a wonderful option.. this is a post I wrote about our adoption…May God give you the desires of your heart.

  • Sarah @ The Bird's Papaya
    April 18, 2011 at 12:54 pm

    I'm so glad you shared your heart! I think you'll be getting a world of support that you need now. No, you can't avoid the pregnancies around you, but you can get the support you need to deal with it all.
    I think being a Mom WILL happen. If God is holding out, it's for a reason.
    Perhaps He's sharpening you.
    Prayers for you my dear!!

  • Great flower lady
    April 18, 2011 at 1:06 pm

    Thanks for posting your thoughts it's OK to be mad! I am not quite sure what your going though, As I am a busy mom of 4 amazing kids. And never had any problems having babies, BUT I did have to wait 4 year between my 1st and second because of financial reasons.. Everyone I know was having babies at that time, and I hated seeing pregame women at the stores I would turn my head and feel soooo jealous I hated myself ~ I would feel like you.
    I will say an extra special pray for you and your husband this week of pass over. Thinking of you.. Tracy

  • Amy @ Flowery Fashion
    April 18, 2011 at 1:12 pm

    I feel your pain my dear. It seems like people who don't want or even need to be having children get pregnant in the blink of an eye and people who are so incredibly deserving struggle. We're struggling too. I've got endometreosis, and my husband swears up and down that the Army has overvaccinated him (which can lead to being sterile). I'll keep you and your husband in my prayers. Don't give up! When it does happen, I know it will be so incredibly special!!

  • Cassie
    April 18, 2011 at 1:17 pm

    Hang in there, Allison. I just prayed for you and will keep doing it.

  • Kari
    April 18, 2011 at 1:20 pm

    Sending prayers your way – praying for peace, strength and miracles!

  • AllMich
    April 18, 2011 at 1:27 pm

    I am praying with all I got for you guys. Our first child was adopted, but it didn't ease the anxiety of trying to get pregnant for our second. It took us 9 months (which was horribly long to us – I couldn't imagine 2.5 years). I will tell you not to feel guilty about your thoughts. Everyone around me was getting pregnant and that was ALL I WANTED. I didn't even go to my SIL's baby shower because I just couldn't handle it. I wanted it so badly. I do want to stress to you that my oldest child is just as rewarding as my birth children. I love her just as much and enjoy all she has to offer. She is an AMAZING young lady and I am proud to call her my daughter. Whether you take the path you expected or have to take a detour, I'm sure there will be children in your life. You have so much love to offer and there are so many children that need it! All of us here in blogland are thinking and praying for you.

  • Libby
    April 18, 2011 at 1:52 pm

    You have every right to feel the way you do. Prayers coming your way!

  • Jocelyn
    April 18, 2011 at 1:54 pm

    My heart goes out to you today. I will definitely keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Thank you so much for being brave enough to share all this with us:-)


  • Delilah Phillips
    April 18, 2011 at 1:57 pm

    Sister. We pray for you often, because we know exactly EXACTLY what you are going through. I am honored to stand by you through this journey.

    I had some inspiration the other day- a blogger friend of mine reminded me that there is a purpose for "this part" of our lives, too. I think you and I both agree that we are meant to be mothers. That is part of our calling in this world and will make us feel complete- BUT there is a purpose for THIS TIME in our lives too. Maybe it's making people blog happy, like you. Maybe it's building my ministry in Florida for us. But, THIS PART isn't a waste. You are doing something RIGHT NOW with your life that you will never get back.

    So, as I wait with you… and as I wail with you… know that you are an amazing friend, sister and wife. It doesn't make us want it any less. But, maybe it makes today a little easier.

  • Bec@littlelucylu
    April 18, 2011 at 1:58 pm

    Hi Allison,
    I'm just some random reader out here who loves your blog (I even have you in my favorites in my sidebar!), but I just felt I had to comment here … (sorry if this is a little long).
    I know JUST how you're feeling. My husband and I were married EIGHT years before conceiving our precious Lucy – (no, we weren't "trying" for ALL of those eight years – but for MANY of them).
    I just kept thinking it would happen EVERY month … I was 28 when I finally conceived.
    Now, Lucy is 2 1/2, and we've been experiencing the same awful adventure that is infertility for the past two years AGAIN. I've also done the Clomid thing with no luck -and am waiting (a two-month wait!) to see a specialist (finally).
    And I – also – have always wanted to adopt, but always though it would be after I birthed a couple of babies!
    I literally could have been writing your post 3 years ago …seriously! Your words WERE my words 3 years ago – and are again now, only in less desperate ways, as I know how blessed I am to have had my one beautiful baby.
    I wrote this post in reference to my own frustration with fertility (though I did not admit that) last week on my blog: – and no, I'm not in any way trying to "plug" my own blog right now – but just thought you might like to read it, eventually.
    And finally … though I know it doesn't help to have someone telling you "I know how you feel!" (it never helped me, either!) – I just want you to know that from someone who has been there – when I was FINALLY blessed with Lucy ….. aaaah. There are no words. But I can tell you, she was 100% WORTH the wait. If I had to wait that many years for a baby in order to get HER, I wouldn't trade it for anything.
    And one way or the other, you WILL know exactly what I'm feeling eventually … whether because you do conceive a baby – or because you adopt one. Either way, the JOY that is in store for you will make all of this pain and frustration disappear in a second. God knows. Trust Him. (I'm trying hard to do the same!)
    Hugs to you! I'll be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers…

  • Kelly
    April 18, 2011 at 2:14 pm

    Said a prayer for you.


  • NicoleD
    April 18, 2011 at 2:29 pm

    I know exactly how you feel. It took me 4 years to have our first, which was okay because we were young and figured it would just happen when it would. But, it took me seven years to get pregnant again. It is frustrating and heartbreaking. Every time one of my sisters or in-laws would get pregnant I would cry for days. I will pray for you and I hope that you are able to get an AMAZING doctor at your next duty station. Thanks for sharing your thoughts…I never really did because people that haven't gone through it, just don't understand.

  • Linda
    April 18, 2011 at 2:36 pm

    What you are going through is so hard… you have been very brave and honest to share your struggle…I will surely keep you both in my prayers XO

  • Christine @ Pure Joy Events
    April 18, 2011 at 2:40 pm

    I know how difficult it must be for you to share this. We also struggled with trying to conceive for about 15 months. Went through infertility treatments with no success. Finally, got pregnant when I wasn't really trying. In our case, I think a lot of it had to do with stress. If you are planning to move to Northern VA, Shady Grove Fertility ( may be an option. Both my sister-in-law and sister got pregnant via IVF after going there.

  • Tam @ Sew Dang Cute
    April 18, 2011 at 2:53 pm

    Oh Allison, my heart is breaking for you as I read this. You and your husband will definitely be in my thoughts and prayers!


  • Jen-CraftOManiac
    April 18, 2011 at 2:54 pm


    and truly I don't know what to say, because I don't want a virtual punch in the face HA!

    You have every right to cry scream be angry frustrated and mad. Its a part of being a woman that natural need to nurture and love. Most all woman want to bare children and have a child. I can honestly say that it doesn't matter if its 1 child you have or 6 kids.. When you want to get pregnant and you have the desire you want it more then anything.

    I prayed tons to conceive my 2nd child "Arabella" but all my test were coming up negative for months, but it felt so much longer since I wanted it so bad. I felt despair and confusion. I prayed so much even so that all I wanted for Christmas was to conceive a child. Then one week before Christmas I found out I was pregnant. I had no confirmation she was a girl early on in the pregnancy. However, my strong feeling was that she was a girl. So I started looking through a baby name book with the meanings behind the names. I started in the "A" girl section of names, and I came across "Arabella"- the meaning was- "Answered Prayer" I cried and new my little girl was coming. I love my Bella. The Lord does listen and he does know and hear us.

    I don't know why its so much harder for some woman to conceive. Its just the trial you are given in this life. I have an aunt who went 8 years doing everything and then MIRACLE she is now pregnant with her 2nd child and due right after me. Another friend tried for years doing everything and then adopted her first child and then conceived her last 2 afterwards. Its just different or HARDER for some woman. ;(

    I am again sorry for your pain and hurt. Do stay strong and keep praying, I will for you as well.
    XO-winks- Jen

  • gina luv
    April 18, 2011 at 2:59 pm

    praying and much love to you.

  • Tracy
    April 18, 2011 at 3:13 pm

    Allison – I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers…and keep my fingers crossed for you too..if that helps! I am so sorry for your troubles and pain.

    On a side note…coming from another military wife…don't factor in deployments. Although it would be nice for both of you to watch your child grow…it doesn't change the bond your husband will have with your child. Hubby was deployed 2 weeks after we found out I was pregnant with our first (and thankfully was back for the birth). But deployed again when our second was 4 months old…returning just before his first birthday. Both were "surprise" deployments, but even if I had known about them, we wouldn't have changed a thing. Miracles happen at unexpected times.

  • Laura @ live.laugh.photograph
    April 18, 2011 at 3:17 pm

    Hi Allison,
    I have no other comforting words other than yes, I WILL pray for you guys!! Military life is hard, I know, and things are so hard to {plan} around their career! Lifting you up to HIM today 🙂

  • Courtney {a thoughtful place}
    April 18, 2011 at 3:22 pm

    Thank you for sharing such a personal and painful journey. I will for sure be praying, Allison.

  • Anonymous
    April 18, 2011 at 3:28 pm

    I understand totally. I went through the same thing, we tried for 5 years before we finaly got our daughter, and I know how hard it is.And we tried for another 6 years for another and it just didnt happen. 2 months after our daughter turned 11 we found out that Lil man was on the way. I will jst say this it all happens in God's time not ours. But I will keep you and yours in my prayers.

  • Michelle @ Dream Home DIY
    April 18, 2011 at 3:52 pm

    Swetie, congratulations on being so honest and open with your feelings. You are so brave for putting what you and Travis are going through out there like that. I really wish there was something that I could say to make it all better…..but I know what its like to here the "It will all happen in time" comments until you want to scream (Justin and I have been dating 7 years and no sign of a marriage proposal yet….my little brothers have been married for years and one just had a baby). Im andy and jealous and tried of the fake smiles too! If you ever need or want to talk please know Im here. And shoot me a line when you get to VA, I know it would be nice for ya to "know" someone in a new town.

  • Renee
    April 18, 2011 at 4:21 pm

    I will pray for you.

  • Beverly @
    April 18, 2011 at 4:38 pm

    I'm so sorry Allison. I will definitely be praying for you and Travis.

  • cleverlyinspired
    April 18, 2011 at 4:41 pm

    So sorry Allison….you are your hubs are in my prayers. If you haven't read it…which I am sure you probably have the book Taking Charge of your Fertility is a awesome book. I learned so much from it! Back in the day–almost 12 years ago I read it after trying for about 5 months with no success–then came twins (naturally…) I pray that happens for you 🙂

  • Vivienne @ the V Spot
    April 18, 2011 at 5:01 pm

    Allison, I literally have a sheet of paper that I keep next to the computer and I write down names and needs for prayer. I am adding you and Travis to it and I will say a little prayer every time I look at it (in addition to flat out petition for you)

    It sucks that you're going through this. God knows the desires of your heart. I'm going to pray for peace and comfort for the both of you, as well as wisdom as you choose your new doctors in VA.

  • Lindsay
    April 18, 2011 at 5:12 pm

    You have every right to feel the way you do. I've been there. Praying for you, Allison.

  • Melissa
    April 18, 2011 at 5:15 pm

    I understand exactly how you are feeling… after trying for 3 years we finally got pg. I miscarried at 9 weeks. it took another 2 years and we finally were pg again (very scary didnt want to lose another one) but let me just say that after 5 years of praying and crying EVERYDAY we were finally blessed. We know have 3 kids and my oldest is Mackenzie FAITH. she got her middle name cause i had faith that God would work something out in HIS time. I know that's not easy to hear!!! I will be praying for you and remember to have FAITH

  • Dira Is Crafty
    April 18, 2011 at 5:33 pm

    You have touched so many people. Some of us have been right in that same spot…same thoughts, same feelings, same everything expect maybe the time frames. It took several emotional upsets, surgery to repair a few things inside, testing and at 33 I had my daughter. After that, 2 itopic pregnancies and 7 years later, my other daughter. Don't ever give up hope!! God works in mysterious ways. You are definitely in my thoughts and prayers. Simply sharing.

  • Karen
    April 18, 2011 at 5:35 pm

    I just happened on your blog for some reason. Thank you for sharing your pain. My neighbor is going through the same thing right now. Your honesty will help me understand better what she is going through.
    I'm not sure if anyone has mentioned this or not ( or if it has anything to do with the physiological reason you haven't been able to get pregnant), but I was reading an article the other day on Mucinex ( guiafenisen) for an unrelated illness; the article mentioned that mucinex thins mucous ( usually used to thin cough mucous) but also amazingly works on cervical mucous to make it easier for sperm to enter the uterus. This works for some women.
    Mucinex is the only preparation that contains JUST guiafenisen and is in pill form, so would likely be a better choice than other cough preparations, etc.
    May God give you the grace and determination to get through this time in your life.

  • Tanya
    April 18, 2011 at 5:39 pm

    Prayers big and small coming your way. I wasn't able to have babies until into my thirties (and I have friends who weren't able to conceive until their early forties!), so I understand the frustration and jealousy and self pity and anger and loads of other feelings. Those people who say you have lots of time *are* right, but it doesn't make it any easier when you want a child so badly. In retrospect, I like to think of all the years I spent waiting for a baby as time spent developing the seemingly infinite patience needed to raise a child. I'm still awed by how deeply you can love a little person who, frequently, makes you want to tear out our hair!

    Enough blabber. Hoping and praying your wish comes true.

  • GuAnita
    April 18, 2011 at 5:40 pm

    r of your blog, but.. kinda lurking 😉 Never ever mention you or commented here but.. today i've been reading your blog and yes… i can relate!
    About 10 years ago we tried to have a baby, took us many many hours in hospital, research here and there, blood, uterus, spermcounts et. Finally we found out that i have PCO's, wich means i don't/hardly have any eggs by myself. With Clomid i did get some egss bt.. no pregnancy after three years of that awfull stuff we went on to use puregon (injecting myself with it and visiting hospital every other day) Finally we did get pregnant! after 3 and a hafl year i was pregnant with, now our 7 year old, daughter! after a few years we tried again.. this time it took us 1 and a half year but yess.. we got pregnant again! our son is now 2 years old 😀
    Between those two pregnancies we had 2 miscarriages also but… we were lucky enough to have 2 goregeous kids.
    I am not telling you this to make you envy us or become jealous, just to let you know that there is still hope! Don't give up, if you feel this is the right path.. than it will work! trust me 😀 trust yourself and.. your faith!

  • Kelsey
    April 18, 2011 at 5:40 pm

    Hi Allison,
    I have been a reader of blog for only a short time but I have loved every minute of it. I felt the need to comment here because I too feel the plain of not being able to get pregnant. I know the pain that comes with not being able to have the one precious little thing that your heart has longed for day after day. Me husband and I have been trying for two years ourselves with no success. I just have to say that you are not alone and I will praying you in your struggles. Also, I found this online and thought it was amazing and it always gives me a small bit of comfort when I read it. Thoughts on Becoming a Mother:

    Much love and prayers,

  • Future Mrs. C
    April 18, 2011 at 5:41 pm

    Can I say I am the product of your exact situation. My mother is an Air Force wife who tried to have a baby with my father for 16 YEARS!!! Yes 16 years they were married. They tried everything. She hated mother's day, wouldn't go to church, couldn't be around the child care at the church, and was so upset.

    Well not only am I the luckiest daughter in the world, I am the most fortunate. My biological mother was 16 and didn't want me. So two lovely people (my parents) adopted me in 1986 I was a month old. They have given me a life I so did not deserve and am so grateful.

    You are your husband are in my prayers and I know it will happen for you all no matter what way! Having a baby is very special but however God brings a baby in your life, you are a deserving mother!

    What a freeing thing to be honest with your feelings and feel the support of those who know what you are going through. You are allowed to scream and get those frustrations out or you'll go nuts!! We don't want that.

    All my love…. Future Mrs. C.

  • Kat
    April 18, 2011 at 6:12 pm

    Allison – There is something about putting what you want out in the universe, for it to come back to you. My heart feels for you and everything you and your husband have been through.

    I somewhat understand what you are going through, as after my oldest it took us almost 3 years to concieve my youngest, and we were "lucky" to get pregnant multiple times in that time frame, but each ended in miscarriage, so a different type of infertility. And yes everything that everyone says that they think should make you feel better usually just ends up pissing you off more. No one on the "outside" seems to really understand or get "it".

    As hard as it seems, just don't ever lose hope. One old co-worker of mine was told that they would never be able to get pregnant, and this past fall she found out she is pregnant with twins, due in June. Such a miracle for them to even conceive and then for her to drop two eggs and be having twins is another miracle on top of that.

    Thoughts and prayers with you on this journey you are on. Know that you are not alone. And honestly, I want to thank you for putting everything out there like you did. This stuff isn't "talked" about enough in my opinion.

  • Megan
    April 18, 2011 at 6:12 pm

    Thank you for writing this! My husband and I have been trying for 2 1/2 years for our second child. I am very thankful for the one that I have, but I long to have more children!

    We are a military family as well. My husband was in Iraq when our first child was born. He met her for the first time when she was almost 7 months old. They had no problems becoming close. She reached out to him the first time she saw him. He left for Afghanistan when she was 18 months old. When he came home from there she knew him the minute she saw him once again. It was hard for my husband to miss so much, but I got out my video camera all the time and sent him weekly dvd's of her. Being a part of a military family is hard, but I think it brings extra blessings.

    We have tried almost everything to get pregnant as well. We have done every test in the book including a laproscopy. I've done the clomid thing and nothing has worked. I understand your feelings very well! I have a hard time being around pregnant women because they have the thing that I want more than anything and some of them complain about it. I know I have one child so I really should be happy with what I have (and I am very happy with her), but I long for more. I know that there are no words that can bring you comfort right now. I live in VA right now and have a great doctor that could probably help you. If you want to talk, or want my Dr's info my email address is I will be praying for you!

  • Pams Party
    April 18, 2011 at 6:15 pm

    ((HUGS)) I will be sending you major hugs and prayers. I felt everything you said because I had been there. I went through 2 years of infertility and hated all the well meaning sayings etc. It felt like a punch in the gut every time I heard another person was pregnant. On one horrible day I found out 2 of my friends were pregnant and I started my period all within a few hours. Its okay to feel the way you feel, to want to punch the person who tells you "just relax and it will happen". When you want to be a mom so badly, but it isnt happening, the pain you feel is very real. I will be praying for you that your prayers are answered soon. I am glad you shared this with us, so we can lift you up when you really need it.

  • Geree
    April 18, 2011 at 7:08 pm

    I will for sure be saying a prayer for you and your husband. I am sorry that I do not understand the hurt you are feeling but God does. 🙂
    Other ladies have said that there is a plan even though you do not know it at the moment. Maybe the only plan that God has for you at this very moment is to post your frustrations on your blog. It sounds like other women are in the same boat as you and it is incouraging to them to know that someone else feels that exact same way as they do. It could be just as simple as that, the plan for this min. in your life.
    I know that you are not wanting encouraging words at the moment but that is just my nature to try and encourage someone. 🙂
    I have a friend that her and her husband tried to have a baby for 10yrs. Ended up adopting 2 sisters and Loved them both! She is now prgnant with her second child. So, God has blessed her with 4 children total.
    I will continue lifting you up in prayer!

  • Melissa
    April 18, 2011 at 7:10 pm

    Allison, I don't have words of wisdom. I don't know what you are going through.
    I do know that your willingness to open up and share your pain has touched the hearts of so many today. Not only do you have the prayers of your blogland "friends" but you have given so many others an opportunity to share their words of hope and encouragement. I'm sure there are ladies reading your blog that haven't had the strength within themselves that it took for you to post your comments and feelings publicly. I'm sure all the words of encouragement have given them a little hope as well. You were meant to post those words today, not only for yourself but for the other sweet ladies sharing your pain. They know they are not alone and that there are many others who truly do understand. My prayers go up for every precious lady reading this blog who is walking in your shoes.
    I'm waiting excitedly for the day you get to share your news with all of us that our prayers have been answered.

  • Kate
    April 18, 2011 at 7:14 pm

    Allison, I'm really sorry that you are struggling with this. I wish that I had some words of inspiration for you. I do echo Delilah's thoughts that there is a purpose for this time in your life. It may be incredibly frustrating and it may not make sense at all but I firmly believe that God is in control and that He has given you the desire to be a mother for a reason!

  • Attempting Aloha
    April 18, 2011 at 7:18 pm

    I'm so sorry, Allison. I had no idea, so thank you for opening up. You are amazing and strong, and I believe in miracles. I have friends and family members in very similar situations, and it is so heart-wrenching for us as well.

    We will hope and pray with you.



  • PootleFlump
    April 18, 2011 at 7:32 pm

    You poor thing, what a heart felt post. Just wanted to say Im thinking of you. Try not to focus on it too much (I know its difficult not to) but if you are really stressed it wont help. Im 38 and still havent had a baby yet. Im sending you some baby dust and hope that you get a positive soon. xxx

  • Sara @ Mom Endeavors
    April 18, 2011 at 7:37 pm

    Aw, cyber hugs and prayers to you! I have quite a few friends struggling with this right now and it is so difficult. I'm sorry you're going through it too!

  • Michele {The Scrap Shoppe}
    April 18, 2011 at 7:51 pm

    Oh, honey, I'm so sorry. 🙁 I will definitely be keeping you both in my thoughts. HUGE hugs to you both.

  • Alison@Oopsey Daisy
    April 18, 2011 at 7:55 pm

    Hey dear!

    Just had to give you props for putting yourself out there and having courage to get personal about what's going on for you. You are definitely in my prayers!! I don't know personally what you must be feeling, but I do know what it's like to long for a baby. And no doubt it's hard to see others having babies all around you! You have a lot of courage, my friend. Stay strong. Except on the bad days, and then soak in the tub and feel sorry for yourself or maybe get a pedicure 🙂 Hang in there…

  • Mel the Crafty Scientist
    April 18, 2011 at 8:20 pm

    I'm so sorry for what you've been through… one of my best friends is actually going through this right now (they're not pregnant… yet and it's been around a year and a half at this point, I think) and it's honestly my biggest fear. It seems like doing good things and being awesome should count for something, but then you see these terrible people on TV doing horrible things to kids and it's just crazy. My friend said that she's on "The Nest" and talking to other women going through the same thing on there via message boards really, really helped tremendously… I don't know if that's actually any help, but it's the only advice from her that I can pass along. From me, you get my heartfelt sympathy and apologies and pity party commiseration (and some prayers and good thoughts, of course). Good luck with this – I hope so much that good things are ahead for you two!

  • fresh_look_furniture
    April 18, 2011 at 8:30 pm

    I have to share this with you! A friend of mine has been trying to get pregnant for YEARS. Her fertility doctor told her she was suffering from insulin resistance & prescribed meds which didn't help. THEN! Her & her husband started following the Primal diet and a little over 7 weeks later, they were pregnant! Please check out her blog… she hasn't told everyone that they're pregnant yet… but she explains a little more in depth the details of their diet…

  • Mama
    April 18, 2011 at 8:57 pm

    You are in my prayers. God has a plan, never forget that. Have you thought of fostering while waiting for your own little blessing? Perhaps the Lord sees all the love and kindness inside you and desperately wants you to share it with the innocent children needing a home? I know that is what I have found the Lord had in mind for me. And let me tell you it's the best plan for me ever! God is so good!
    Anyway, you have my prayers for your own little miracle.

  • Kadbury
    April 18, 2011 at 10:08 pm

    Thank you so much for sharing something so personal and close to your heart ~ My thoughts and prayers go out to you and Travis.

    <3 Kristin

  • Barn Owl Primitives
    April 18, 2011 at 10:19 pm


    not sure where in VA you are moving. but i have a GREAT doctor in NOVA and i'd be happy to pass along her info. we tried for 3 years. we weren't doing anything extraordinary, but we weren't taking precautions. After 3 years, we decided to get serious. after a year of ovulation kits we finally went to see this doctor. 6 months later we were pregnant. no drugs. no iui. i can share the details with you if you are interested. 5 years and two kids later we are now sleep deprived and exhausted, but very blessed.

    wishing you all the best and saying a prayer for you!

    xo ~ kristi

  • Jessie K
    April 19, 2011 at 12:58 am

    You have the right to how you feel. No one condemns you for it, not one bit. I'm sorry this is such a struggle for you, when it's so easy for others.

    I do have one question for you: Is adoption out of the question? I know it's an arduous and expensive process, but there are so many children waiting for loving homes.

    Good luck and please don't be discouraged.

  • Krafty Kat
    April 19, 2011 at 1:28 am

    Praying for you, Allison! I agree with the previous poster about God having a plan. He always does! 😉

  • Sharmin
    April 19, 2011 at 3:13 am

    I will definitely be praying for you, even though I just accidentally stumbled across you blog. My heart aches for all women who want children so badly, but havn't yet been blessed with a child.

    Our pastor's daughter and her husband tried for years only to recieve the devistating news that Crystal had no choice but had to have a hysterectomy because of pre-cancerous cells. They adopted a beautiful little girl almost 3 years ago, and in October they were blessed to be chosen to adopt another precious little girl. I saw them yesterday, and it is so obvious that God definitely had these children picked out. They were adopted 1500 miles apart, but both girls look so much alike, and look like C's hubby.

    Another friend has a blog that might be encouraging to you. She and her husband struggled with infertility for several years and she chronicled her struggles. She recently gave birth to their 2nd daughter.

  • Stacey
    April 19, 2011 at 3:50 am

    I'll most definitely keep you guys in my prayers! Infertility sucks in so many ways. You have a right to feel every emotion you have felt and will feel. We tried for 5 years before and finally had twins after fertility treatments. I feel incredibly lucky that they did work, but sad we were not one of the "lucky" one's I was told about that would be able to concieve with no problems and that my body would "correct itself" after being pregnant. So here's to another round of fertility treatments- as sucky as they may be!

    Good luck with your upcoming move, thank you for your husbands service, and try to keep your head up. We'll be praying for you!

  • kami @
    April 19, 2011 at 4:48 am

    Hang in there Allison!

    I have been there more than I'd like to admit. We have both biological and adopted kids, and I wouldn't want it any other way.

    I hope you can find peace and a solution. Adoption has been such a blessing in our lives.

  • Anonymous
    April 19, 2011 at 7:33 am

    Okay… now I feel like such an idiot – that is what I get for not reading… I am sorry about your stuggle – having a baby can be so hard sometimes and I really hope that everything will work out for you. You are a darling girl and I would love for you to have everything you want.

  • Brittney
    April 19, 2011 at 1:18 pm

    I totally feel you! It's really hard when you know it would be the perfect time to get pregnant and see that time slipping away and it's not happening. I'm going through it too, although, we haven't been trying as long as you guys! Good luck to you and I hope it happens for both of us soon!

  • Stephanie
    April 19, 2011 at 1:45 pm

    You are incredibly brave & courageous – for not only going thru this ordeal but sharing it. My sister is going thru the same thing. A little prayer … said for you.

    henry  happened

  • Courtana
    April 20, 2011 at 1:50 am

    Prayers and cheerful thoughts coming your way

  • Alice
    April 20, 2011 at 5:05 am

    I totally understand what you're going through because me and my husband are going through the same thing, except we're going on 6 years of trying. The best doctor I had was in Germany. He truly was trying to help us. Unfortunately, we had to PCS and I have not found a doctor near as wonderful as him. Just today I had somebody tell me "don't worry, it will happen" and I wanted to hit them so bad!! Unless you have been in the same situation, that is the worst thing to tell someone who can't get pregnant!! And just yesterday, my sister who has been married all of 10 months just had a little girl. It is so hard to love that baby and not want to scream and cry. And I have to wait until my husband gets home from deployment to even start trying again. But I will suck it all up because that's part of being an Army wife.

  • Justy Lewis
    April 20, 2011 at 6:00 pm

    Thinking of you, as always. I pray everyday that you two will be able to have the baby you long for. I can only imagine how difficult this journey is and has been. Please know that I think of you often, love you, and am here for you. 🙂

  • Kiwi The Kreator
    April 21, 2011 at 2:05 pm

    I'm praying for your little one to come. I KNOW it's frustrating to hear that it'll happen in God's time so I won't say that! Think of it this way: you can take your time kreating that HOARD of crafty yumminess for the little one to be!!!

  • Laura @ Just For Love
    April 23, 2011 at 2:07 pm

    I'm so, so sorry, Allison. My heart breaks for you. I cried along with you while reading this. I too have thought the same thing about why bad people can have kids and wonderful couples like yourself have trouble concieving. Life is so difficult sometimes and there is a lot of unanswered questions.

    I will most definitely be praying with you about this. I truly mean that. Don't give up. And it's OKAY to feel the way you do–God understands.

    Lots of love to you, friend : )

  • Jessica
    April 26, 2011 at 2:31 pm


    First time at your blog and so sorry to hear about your personal struggle…I can empathize with you. I know the feelings that you have been feeling and the tremendous amount of guilt that comes with feeling all of the different emotions (anger and jealousy are so hard to deal with, but that's how you feel and it's ok!). I was there once. Sometimes I still am.

    I think that sometimes things don't work out exactly as we plan, but they do work out. I will be thinking about you and sending positive thoughts your way.

  • Susie
    April 26, 2011 at 4:43 pm

    Bless your sweet little heart! I know posting this was tough. It is good that you shared because now all our prayers will be heard as well to help draw down the powers of heaven.

  • carlisle clan conversation...
    May 1, 2011 at 4:47 am

    Oh sweet Allison, my heart aches for you! I cannot imagine the pain you have endured and pray your sadness turns to gladness! Praying sweet babies into your arms!

    XO, Jenni