For the past 2 1/2 years, Travis and I have wanted something very badly.
We never thought that it would take this long in order to get what we want.
We have prayed about it, cried about it, and yet we still yearn for it.
That something is this:
We have been unable to get pregnant, not even once, and it is killing me.
I am trying to stay strong, act like it’s all ok, go to the doctor again and again, trying not to get my hopes up that something will finally happen but as the hours, days, weeks, months, and now years go by, I am struggling to stay strong.
I feel like EVERY person I know, IRL and blogging world, is pregnant, some more than once during this time period, and I just want to scream, ok, I have screamed a few times, and I am so tired of putting on the fake smile, acting like I am excited for them, and telling them Congrats.
I know I should be happy for them. I know I am jealous of them. And right now, I feel like I have the right to be upset.
I have cried, hysterical boo-hoo’s at that, multiple times, when I find out someone is pregnant or the visitor comes that I don’t want to see. I just want to crawl into bed and pull the covers over my head and not come out. But again, trying to stay strong, I go on.
We’ve been to the doctor, both of us, I’ve done the whole Clomid thing and nothing. We were just getting ready to go to the next step and find out if we needed to do IUI (artificial insemination) when stuff with the doctor got ALL MESSED UP (trust me, that was NOT a good day) so that has now been postponed until after we move. Now, we have to find a new doctor when we get to VA and I hope that we can quickly jump into everything and find a way to have the baby that we want so bad.
I have prayed about this and well, had some interesting conversations with Him, some not so nice depending on the time of month. I have even had the thoughts of “I’ll even take a miscarriage.” Now, I know those of you out there that have had one probably think I’m nuts and I in no way want one or wish that anyone would have to go through one, but I say that for the fact that I would at least know it is possible for me to get pregnant.
I have always said, that I would adopt at some point but I always thought I would do it after I had my own kids. But maybe we are suppose to do that first. I just really want to experience everything that goes along with a pregnancy, the good and the bad.
I watch the news and hear all these stories about people abusing, selling, and killing their kids and it makes me angry and I always think to myself, “Why did You give these people a child when they clearly didn’t want them and we want one so badly and yet can’t have one?”
I know people try to help by giving advice or words of wisdom but at this time in the process the next person that tells me “You have time or All in God’s time.” or “It will happen.” or “Have you tried this?” will get punched in the face.
Seriously, do you really think we haven’t tried all the possible ways we’ve read to get pregnant besides the drastic medical ways?
How in the world do you REALLY know it will happen? That’s right… you don’t! It may never happen.
And sure, we’re only 27, plenty of time but when you factor in that Travis is an active duty Army officer, No, we don’t have all the time in the world.
The past 2 1/2 years would have been awesome for a little one to come into the world. Travis came home from deployment so we knew we had at least a year before he would be put back on the list. And we’ve been lucky enough for 2 1/2 years, minus Haiti, of him being home. I know there is a HUGE chance that after his Captain’s Course, he will get a unit that will be deploying. And I’m sorry if I want him to watch his baby grow up that first year since they change so much and I want to see him be the awesome dad I know he will be. So much can happen being a military family, so again, no- we don’t have time and I am surely losing my patience.
I know everyone just means well but I really don’t want to hear any of it anymore.
Ok… I’ve cried enough while typing this and I am pretty sure you all are tired about reading my random ramblings, so I will stop there.
I know I am not the first person that has had trouble trying to conceive so I am not looking for sympathy or anything of the like but I just needed to get all this off my chest (maybe because I know Aunt Flo is coming to visit soon) for my own sanity.
But I will ask this: Will you please say a little prayer for us?
We can use all the help that we can get.
I promise to be more upbeat the rest of the week!