confessions

It’s about to get REAL up in here folks! 

I debated on writing this post. I debated on hitting publish. But I am gonna put it out there because I am sure I am not the only one that has felt this way as a mother, at least I hope.

Travis has been gone A LOT for work this summer and that will not be stopping any time soon so it has just been me taking care of Miss P and Miss S.

Miss P is starting the age of tantrums, screaming, constant whining, etc. etc. etc. When you are alone with your children and have no one to help out at all, you get EXHAUSTED, mentally and physically. Props to all you single mommas/daddies out there. I don’t know how you do it!! And props to all of you that have or had more than 2 small kiddos at once. Not sure how you do it either. I think you are a little bit crazy! lol 

Last week, Miss P put me to the test and I failed. BIG TIME!! I definitely received a big fat F!

Again, she is at that fun age where she throws tantrums, screams, cries, whines, and all that fun stuff and it drives me to the point of screaming, crying, and wanting to pull my hair out! 

(image)

 I try my darndest to stay calm, talk to her softly, but good lord, that is the hardest thing ever! 

She doesn’t listen. I hate when I am just trying to get out one sentence and I have to tell her to look at me 10 times so I know she hears me. Which even then, I don’t think she heard a word.

I know she is trying to express herself. She still has a hard time with words so we don’t always understand what she wants and she gets frustrated. I get it. But oh my!! 

One night, I had to run errands and since Travis isn’t here, I had to take the girls along. Thought it would be ok because Miss P was in a decent mood after nap and I only had 3 stops to make, 2 of which were super quick in and out stops. On the drive to the store, I immediately regretted my decision. And it just got worse with each stop. By the time I was done shopping, I couldn’t talk to her on the way home or I knew I would yell. Once we got home, I got her dinner, and then stood in the laundry room crying for a few minutes before I sat down to eat. And again, I couldn’t look or talk to her. It was suppose to be bath night and needless to say we skipped that because if she had a breakdown in the tub over something, I think I would have totally lost it. 

Flash forward to a few days and things hit the fan again. 

She was refusing to come upstairs for her nap. Screaming and crying at the bottom of the stairs. 

 (image) This is her to a t! 

I left her there and went and put Miss S down for her nap hoping she would come up. She never did and I had to get her. She was flailing in my arms as I carried her upstairs and I was so upset with her that I was shaking. I started crying and she immediately stopped crying when she saw me. I started talking to her and telling her I don’t like to yell at her. I don’t want to be mean. I don’t want her to act like this when she is older… etc. I know that she is at an age that I am molding her behavior. She is with me all the time and she unfortunately has my attitude.  

I put her down for nap after giving her a hug and a kiss and when I walked out, I proceeded to cry. For the next hour and a half!

Emotions were running on high and thoughts were swirling in my head. 

I felt/feel like a terrible mother. 

I sometimes feel that I wasn’t cut out to do this job. And yes, a SAHM is a JOB! 

That I shouldn’t have become a mother at all which is sad because we worked, and I do mean worked, for three years to even have Miss P.

I NEVER had that extreme moment of love/bonding when they laid her on my chest or even there after. I don’t know why. Maybe, I was trying to shut myself out of the moment a little with Miss P since Travis wasn’t there to experience everything with me. I don’t really remember that feeling with Miss S either though.

There are/were more days that I dreaded getting them up from a nap or in the morning and look forward to bedtime. Being the only one caring for them does that to ya. 

I feel like I don’t play with the girls enough. 

I don’t take the time to sit down and work on colors, shapes, numbers, letters like I should. 

That I have the tv on way to much for her.

That I am on my computer or phone too often instead of being in the moment. 

I shouldn’t get as mad as I do at her. 

There
are times that I seriously just want to hurt her. Of course, I wouldn’t
do anything to either of the girls, but that thought pops in every so
often. I don’t want imagine what it would be like if something terrible did happen to either of them.

I am exhausted and frustrated. Some times, not happy at all. 

I just want to sit down and do absolutely NOTHING. Not have to take care of anyone. Not have to hear a cry. And not have a care in the world.

With all that said, I am trying. 

I am trying to refrain from yelling. 

I am trying to refrain from getting so completely frustrated that I can’t stand the sight of her.

I am trying to tell myself that this too shall pass.

I am trying to be a better mom and role model for both girls. 

I am trying to be in the moment more. They are only little once and time goes by WAY TOO QUICKLY! 

This past week has gone much better. If she has gotten frustrated, I am proud to say that I have stayed relatively calm. Yes, I have had a moment or two of yelling, but I catch myself and try to change my tone.

I love my girls. 

I love their hugs, their kisses, their cuddles. 

I love hearing their little voices and watching them grow and learn new things.

And I LOVE when they are sleeping. Hey, this momma needs a break too! lol 😉

 And I secretly love when Travis comes home and I see him get frustrated with her too. Welcome to my world baby! Welcome to my world! Now you know why you come home from work and I have a look of exhaustion on my face.

So please tell me that I am not alone?

Tell me that I am not the only momma out there that has/have had these feelings.